Is Mommy wearing panties?

I have no idea who Cheryl Cole is but according to her Wikipedia page she once called a black bathroom attendant a “jigaboo”. The quote, unquote, jigaboo then jumped her ass & an altercation broke out. Cheryl Cole was later charged with racially aggravated assault & regular old physical assault. The twat claimed she was only acting in self defense when attacked, but the jury wasn’t buying it & found her ass guilty of assault causing bodily harm to the attendant. They later cleared her of racially aggravated assault. The judge gave her 120 hours of community service & ordered her ass to pay the victim’s legal fees. It always blows my mind when people will so straight forwardly call other’s racist shit like this. I think women do it more often, because they go through life never expecting to get themselves in a fist fight. They feel as if anything goes & their mouth is nothing more than a talking brain. Every little thought gets vocalized. Women luckily enough to get smacked by their boyfriend learn to pull it back & think it through. It’s these chicks that never get a backhand who go around talking shit to everyone, and then one day end up with a knuckle sandwich. So really, what’s worse? Your boyfriend pimp-handing you & in turn learning a lesson in life? Or parading yourself around like you’re hot shit until one day calling the wrong bitch a jigaboo & she whips your ass? Maybe all these abusive dudes are only trying to prepare their ho’s for life? I mean, isn’t that why we beat our kids?

That made me laugh. This is the racist bitch leaving the Mayfair hotel last night looking pretty good.

Not sure why everyone is bitching, she looks just fine to me.

Better than just fine in fact, she looks fucking great. Who wouldn’t want to pee on her?

Woof! Woof, woof, woof! Woof! Woof!

I like to animate somebody hitting her in the head with a banana as this picture was being snapped. She isn’t the brightest kong & people are never really afraid of her. Poor Khloe, even in her kongness she’s the awkward one. Her two more attractive sisters always leave her working at the family store. While they’re out having fun & kissing boys Khloe’s stuck at the store alone entertaining herself with the idea of a cute boy walking in & flirting with her. A boy who likes her for her & isn’t just trying to get his bone on. Someone sincere & takes their time. Tonight the store is their disco. He’ll make eye contact & curve his lips, she’ll giggle back & look away. This shit’s like a dream for her…

This is check-out kong at the Naven & Boulee holiday 2009 preview launch party.

Eva Longoria, not so much.

There’s a huge sperm donor shortage happening in France right now. Even after huge ad campaigns the numbers still remain so low that there’s a 2 year waiting list for women looking to score some frozen cum. At this point they’re having to hit the streets. Sperm is like the new crack in France. Instead of softly whispering “Anyone looking to score some smack?” the local street peddlers are walking through groups of women quietly asking if any of them are looking to score some cum. This is like some awesome Total Recall futuristic kind of shit. If they don’t implant this happening in the next big movie about the future I’m going to be very disappointed. I want to lean back in my bucket seat while stuffing my fat little face with popcorn, and get lost in what that might look like on the big screen. Women nervously ducking in dark alleyways haggling over the 15 dollar price of a thimble sized clear lid of jizz.

Eva Longoria is still scared of cum & dives off the bed whenever her husband Tony Parker pulls out to blow his load on her. She believes semen gives you ache. I’m not making this up.

This blond chick on the far left? Wow. Is your maker actually smoking crack now? Did B-Boy sell it to him? Who the hell are these people?! I kind of feel like these two twats are brother & sister, and their parents are as well. White people are fuckin’ strange.

I can’t get over this girl on the left. Is she related to Audrina Patridge? I know what you’re thinking & the answer is no. This bitch definitely isn’t smarter than a 5th grader.

This is Hayden Panettiere waddling around in West Hollywood.

Jessica Alba is pretty, huh?

America would suck ass if Mexicans never started escaping the shithole they call a country & started sneaking into this one. I adore Mexican women & it would be a damn shame to never have gone to school with them, later worked with them, and then eventually one day blowing my shit in one. I suppose this is like a fetish. That pisses people off. A friend of mine once found out a girl was only with him out of fetish reasoning’s & the dude was livid. Totally pissed. As he was explaining this to me all I could think about were all the fat, lazy, ugly, people in the world who would literally kill to find someone of the opposite sex who had some kind of dumpy human fetish. People who had some kind of sexual disturbing pear fruit fetish & liked their lovers shaped the same. What I’m saying is I guess in the end you should just be thankful somebody wants to fuck your ass no matter how shallow of the reasoning’s. Jessica Alba has a dead-beat father figure fetish & this dude’s just thankful he got to hit it.

I read this article a while back that said Microsoft employs more millionaire secretary’s than any other company in the world. They took stock options over Christmas bonuses. It was a good move. I remember there was this picture of one of the groundskeepers next to his Ferrari. It blew my mind. You see shit like that, and it just plants a seed. Makes you think its possible, even easy. Then you turn on the TV, and there’s just more of it. The 87 Million dollar lottery winner, or that kid actor who just made 20 million on his lastest movie. The Internet stock that shot through the roof, you could have made millions if you had just gotten in early, and that’s exactly what I wanted to do: Get in. I didn’t want to be an innovator anymore, I just wanted to make the quick and easy buck, I just wanted in. The Notorious B.I.G. said it best: “Either you’re slingin’ crack-rock, or you’ve got a wicked jump-shot.” Nobody wants to work for it anymore. There’s no honor in taking that after school job at Mickey Dee’s. Honor’s in the dollar, kid. So I went the white boy way of slinging crack-rock: I became a stock broker.

At the time I had dropped out of college & was running an illegal casino in my apartment. Queens, New York. Life was good. I was pulling in over a thousand bucks a night. Then one evening as I’m counting the house take an old friend of mine comes knocking on my door with promises of making millions. How could I say no? He had pulled up to my apartment in a brand new yellow Ferrari. The dude was ballin’. He told me all I had to do was train under an experienced broker for 2 weeks & then I’m on my own. My own to make myself a million dollars. So that following Monday I put on my only suit, borrowed my Mother’s stationwagon, and drove out to the office. Way out, this place was as far as it could possibly be from Wall Street. Once I arrived the first thing noticeable was the smokin’ hot African-American woman working at the front desk. This bitch was bangin’. She was feeling me too & I soon realized the guy training me was in love with her. Apparently they had dated, the dude was a schmuck, and she had clipped his ass. He quickly noticed the chemistry between us & told me to stay the fuck away from her. Like I gave a shit was this dude thought. We were already fucking each other within a week. The dude found out of course & that made things difficult for me. As a trainee you’re supposed to land your senior broker 50 accounts before he cuts you loose. Typically they would let you keep your 50th as a sign of thank you. By this point I had made this dude a fuckload of money so naturally I was expecting to keep the 50th & pay a couple of bills. I had already shut down my casino & had zero money coming in. I needed that fuckin’ paycheck bad. Of course this asshole keeps it for himself & after I called him out for it in front of everyone, he pushed me to the ground. Then he explained to me how I was on “His fuckin’ team, not the other way around. Bitch!”

Whatever.

To make a long story short it turned out all this shit was illegal, that girl I was sleeping with was working with the F.B.I., and everyone working there was about to be arrested. We had fucked a lot of people out of millions of dollars. Basically stole it from them & gave up nothing in return. The shit was a total scam & Johnny Law was about to regulate. Luckily for me I knew everything & was able to save myself by giving up the head guy. This whole time everything seemed too good to be true & I had been investigating things for myself. Instead of going to prison with all the friends I had made, I rolled over on them, and walked free. Fuck em’, right? One of them was this Vin Diesel looking mother fucker, I couldn’t stand him. I started to wonder if there was ever a time that dude had hair. In the end they all got rammed in jail & I ended up free & happy with my new black queen. I never re-opened my casino. Instead I found a doctor out in Jersey who could make me look like a 15 yr old girl & started my own band titled The Pretty Reckless.

I even got myself an acting job on the hit television show Gossip Girl. Can you believe that shit? Look how hot I am. My wicked jump-shot.

This is me showing off for the camera outside my hotel in New York City.

As a boyfriend it’s our job listening to all the meaningless bullshit that will bug your woman out. A cup of vodka helps.

This is Lauren Conrad venting all kinds of mayhem on her boyfriend Kyle. Yep, just like the coffee cup says. That’s Kyle. And that’s his cup. Touch it & he’ll ream your ass for 45 minutes about how rude it is to use other people’s property. It clearly says his name. I can already tell he walks up to the bar shaking his little red coffee cup while cheese-dick saying “Looks like Kyle needs a refill!”

He’s such a fag, I hate him. A set up a little Q & A through Facebook about why Lauren is so upset in these pictures. He was a “sport” & played along…

So I’m guessing your name is Kyle?

[Kyle Howard]: “That’s what my drink says, yep!”

Right, yeah. I see that. Uh, maybe this was a mistake…

“What do you mean? I don’t mind. Any publicity is good publicity, right?”

I suppose. Yeah. So anyhoo, let’s talk about your chick.

“Yes, Lauren Conrad. I love her so much, she’s amazing. Lauren is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Honestly, I didn’t even know who I was until I met her.”

Good Lord.

“Huh? Well I mean, sure. I think about taking her hand in marriage everyday. In a beautiful church in Anaheim maybe. I want to spend every minute of my life with her. Comb her hair & fold her clothes. I want to make her happy. I think this will make her love me.”

Jesus Christ.

“Yes. I wish he would marry us himself. I once dreamed that…

Okay, okay, we get it. Fuck man, can we just talk about these pictures?

“Is that language really necessary? I think it reflects negatively on this interview. I would like it if Lauren could read this & think I made a good decision with her best interest in mind.”

Alright dude, look. Honestly you are coming across as the most pussy-whipped mother fucker I have ever met. People reading this are going to think you’re a huge fag. A complete limp dick.

“Alright- now you look! Don’t you dare talk to me like that. Lauren is an amazing woman entering the next stage in her career and she really doesn’t need someone like you trying to tank her imagine. I believe an apology is in order.”

Wow, I’m at a loss of words here…

“That’s better.”

No, it’s not. You’re just too pussy-whipped to get it. Speaking of which, what kind of set-up is she rolling with down there? Bald? Strip? All natural? Come on dude. Grab your balls & spill it. Does she wax her ass? You’re too scared to check, huh? You fuckin’ pussy. You make me sick.

“Screw off. This interview is over.”

That was the point. Wait, wait, wait! Did you just tell me to screw off?

“You betcha!”

You betcha? Screw off? Is John Candy like your idol?

“Okay seriously, do you have any real questions for me?”

Are you really sitting on your thumb right now?

No response.

Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Come back you little girl.

“You’re a jerk.”

No, you’re right. I’ll stop. So what was Lauren so upset about in these pictures?

“To tell you the truth, I don’t feel like talking about this anymore. I feel like you are only making fun of me. Which sucks, because Lauren is going to be upset with me. Man, I screwed up again. Can you not publish this on your website please?”

Dude, just hit her ass. She’s got a fuckin’ mustache. No one is going to trip about it. Really, I think it’s okay to hit women with a mustache. You should get your fill.

“Please man, don’t publish this. I’m afraid she’ll leave me. I couldn’t handle that. Please, I’m begging you.”

Ew, it’s going to cost you.

“Man, how much? I’ll have to ask Lauren for it, she handles all the money.”

Let’s say it’s unbelievable how much of a bitch you are, and then let’s say 500 bucks.

“500! That’s absurd. She’ll never give me that much. How about 85?”

So wait. Not only have you made a complete ass of yourself & your girlfriend Lauren Conrad. But now you’re saying your love for her is only worth 85 dollars? Dude, you’re fuckin’ up.

“That’s not what I meant! Wait, shit. All I’m saying is, um, no. Oh man, she’s going to be so mad at me. Okay look, I can’t get any money for you but I mean if it comes down to it I’ll totally suck your dick.”

Wow. This is like the best interview ever.

“No I didn’t mean that! Come on man you’re going to make me start crying. You’re ruining my life! Please just stop, okay?”

Stop what? You’re the one going off. I’m only going with the flow here. You should try to calm down before you get your period.

“Okay then. Great interview! I’m going to go now. Be sure to pick up Lauren Conrad’s new book at your local bookstore! To all her fans, I love you all!”

Whoa, are you like totally breaking down right now?

“Bye! Bye!!”

Hey!

No response.

Wow. I think he just hit that delusional stage. Right now he’s trying to convince himself this was all a bad dream. That’s hilarious. I’m tired now, I’m going to bed.

This is Mustache Baby acting all insecure about her body & then tripping out about something we may never know. Maybe some other website got the story? I don’t care, I’m tired. This is the Thompson Hotel in Hollywood.

Michael Jackson was getting fuuuuuuucked up before his death

Chris Brown’s pussay hurts so bad he’s gonna cry

Anna Kournikova got herself in a fist fight because she’s a gangster ass bitch

Mariah Carey & Eninem are at war with each other

Tila Tequila was found dead in a hotel room

Kendra Wilkinson’s shitty life is making you jealous

Some slammin’ Hollywood Slut playing ping-pong

Kate Beckinsale looks really, really, good in the new Italian Vogue

You can’t really tell from this picture alone, but she has one of those token “Do Me!” tattoos on her bikini line.

Stephanie Pratt from Mtv’s the Hills.

I’m guessing if you will pull your panties down & let some random dude scrub a tattoo gun in around your punani, it’s probably not that hard to fuck you. Just saying… These chicks don’t exactly put up a fight. I have no personal experience to base this on, but I have a way of “Guessing how it is.”

She’s a slut, it’s true. I read she sucked on some guy’s wiener during a taxi ride in Las Vegas. As rad as that is for two people in a relationship, when some random slut you met 5 minutes about is blowing you in a taxi cab, you can’t help but think to yourself “Oh dude, this chick totally has a 4 leaf clover tattooed next to her pussay.”